First off, I appreciate the opportunity to go on this rant, rave, or whatever you wanna call it. Obviously, I have a pessimistic view on the world. Actually, I might be bordering on just miserable. For me to give you a history of why I‘ve turned this way would turn this blog into Moby Dick. Just know I could tell stories of shame, failure, and embarrassment that would make George Costanza cringe.
So I will start in January of 2009, when I decided to change my life. I decided in the New Year, I would get a girlfriend and lose 100 pounds of my 300 pound frame. Amazingly, I accomplished both. The weight was easy and actually turned me into a gym rat which, along with watching the Yankees and Giants, is really the only thing I enjoy doing. Now you have to understand, 300 pound men that don’t have the face of George Clooney don’t trip over women. So needless to say, any as I got was extremely desperate or fat, which leads to the first girl I found in my quest. Well call her Peanut. I met Peanut on Okcupid.com. The first couple of dates went well and we went official. We reached Valentine’s Day and Peanut didn’t get me so much as a box of Russell Stover. That should have been a red flag. But you have to understand, everything I do in life, I set my standards beyond low. So when I fail or get screwed I’m never shocked or disappointed. Sometimes I’ll snap and break shit but I’m not shocked ever.
So as Peanut and I progressed, I realized she was two things. A senior citizen in a 28 year old body and completely uninterested in anything I liked. But I was getting laid consistently, so I lived with it. Come October (yea we lasted that long), I met another girl, let’s call her Jeter. At this point, I couldn’t stand Peanut so I asked Jeter to go on a date and watch the Yankee playoff game. She accepted. For 25 years, I could barely get one girl, now I got 2! No fuckin way!!!!. So me and Jeter watch the game and wind up hooking up. Finally, Peanut and I broke up, mainly due to the Yankees World Series run. Jeter and I went to the parade, literally spent 20 hours together, and hooked up again. She then disappeared for about a month. We spoke on and off but briefly. But I knew she was a maid of honor in her friend’s wedding, so I attributed it that. Funny part is my friends teased me that she would fuck one of the groomsman. On the outside, I fought. On the inside, well you know. Finally me and Jeter link up for sushi. As we ate the $80 meal she began to tell me, the groomsman, with illegitimate child, she fucked at the wedding had introduced her to Jesus and she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I would have preferred her to tell me to drop dead.
Amazingly, I found another woman in a club a month later. Well call her Cougar. Long story short, I thought for the first time I was in love with someone. That relationship ended recently with me threatening to kill her children. Not Pretty. And a little fucked up even by my standards. I’ve said some horrible things in the past but that one actually made me ask God for forgiveness. As I had my sexual romp with Cougar, I went back to the online dating world and found Enron. Enron was a cute girl who I spent WAY too much money on. Seriously bad investment. Enron wound up telling me she thinks were better off as friends. Basically she was told to fuck off. I don’t want any more friends. I don’t even like half the friends I do have. And if you have tits, unless were fucking, your dating my friends or you’re my Mom’s friend, I really don’t wanna be your fucking friend.
I am going to digress for a moment to point out the pathetic, shallow world we live in. As I said, for 25 years I could barely get one girl, now I’m tripping over them. Ironically, these girls got hotter as I got thinner. Needless to say, unless you can buy the bar out, looks matter and whoever says they don’t, is lying piece of shit. As my 1 friend says, I could be the best motherfucker on the planet, if I don’t pass the look test, I’m shit outta luck. And, living in Jersey and because of that stupid fuckin MTV show, 90% of women want a orange-hued steroid abuser, who looks like he stuck his syringe in an electrical socket.
My decision to write this piece is based on interactions I have had with 2 girls recently. Amazing what 105 lbs and lifting weights can do, isn’t it? My ugly fuckin face and piss poor attitude hasn’t changed, but anyway. One girl, well call her Hostel, I met at my boys birthday party. Me and Hostel had 3 dates and then had sex. All the while, I’m wishing this girl becomes obsessed with me because she has a good job, a BMW, and owns her own condo. I have an Xbox and I’m about 2 years away from becoming Frank the Entertainer. Well after the sexual encounter, I was thinking on my way home, that it wasn’t my finest effort. I mean I’m no porn star, but I get the job done. Needless to say, conversation between Hostel and I has become more infrequent and is down to about nothing.
Then, I asked a girl at the gym to go out and watch the Yanks on Friday. My boy at the gym said she’s been hitting on me for months. Apparently I’m oblivious or fuckin retarded. So my boy and I meet up with her and her friend after the game cause she worked till 10. It seemed to good to be true. Her and I hit it off, her friend and my friend hit it off, I was waiting for it. The bomb was gonna drop any second. Within 10 minutes of this though pattern, Pub 66 turned into Hiroshima. The friend, who casually flirted with my boy all night revealed she had a boyfriend of 3 years and the bar removed the ATM and the both of us were low on cash. So for once a broad had to buy me a drink. We hugged goodnight and haven’t heard from her since. And she transferred to the morning shift at the gym while I’m at work so she can duck me with impunity.
Quite a ride the past 18 months. And that’s just women. I’m seriously thinking of just going with hookers, because the money I spent on these dates to get either A) Nothing or B) agita, could easily be invested on a guaranteed score. My family, although they will never say it, is completely ashamed of me. I’ve disgraced them about 5 times in those 18 months and have come to accept when my father dies, the family name will go with him. Vegas would put better odds on Betty White having a kid before I find a girl willing to procreate with me. It’s pretty sad when you realize that your gonna be that old man on your street, that just looks like a fuckin psycho. But its gonna happen, cause I just refuse to trust anyone enough to love them. I have also become a selfish bastard because I know 99.9% of people don’t give a fuck about me, so I’m not the easiest person to deal with. The only non family member I’ve ever told I loved them and actually meant it, is a 16 lbs Bichon, who is my dog. As a matter of fact I fuckin hate people. I hate the people I work with, I hate people in supermarkets, and unless your associated with someone I know, really could care less if you lived or died right there in front of me. But all this is another topic for another time. I hope you enjoyed my little rant here, and remember, my friends, the lower your standards are in life, the less disappointment you will face!
PS- Comments, questions, threats, praise would be appreciated. I’ve never done anything like this before, so lemme know how I did!