Sunday, January 10, 2010

pillaging

so as for who i am now i cant stand it...at times im almost embarrassed by how negative i am. it seems to ruin things for me but yet i persist with this shitty outlook and act ok. well i was in the middle of writing part of my book and needed some solid facts from the past. where to go where to go...i opened up the horrendous journal. blast from the fucking past. i came across some of the first pages (in this specific journal) where i wasnt a pessimist. i read on and can now find the date where i became a monster or rather a slave to this pessimism. i can simply put the blame on someone else and how that person has turned me into what i am today but he cant take full credit. i was there too! i played my fucking role in those situations! but the point of this post was suppose to be about love and how im so anti-love recently or maybe anti relationships. And one of these journal entries i found i was writing about how much i desire love and wish for someone to love me UNCONDITIONALLY! someone to accept me for who i am not what i can possibly be. i wanted a promise of forever not until... that part of me was not changed due to me. i had no part of that destruction of mind set. THAT i can blame on someone elses doing. that demolition was his.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like this one!

Anthony said...

This kinda reminds me of my loss of innocents with dating. I used to be so unconditionally romantic, trusting, loving and baggage free.

It really isn't our fault for people burning us, but we are to blame for staying in the fire and not moving and being the best that we can be. I figure that I'm not going to let them change me to the point of no return, that I will still be happy and enjoy my life. Of course, time always helps heal the wounds too.

I also like to keep in mind that as much as I want someone to love me unconditionally, I want to love them unconditionally too. I could have found someone to love me like that awhile ago, but I'm going to wait and find the right one for me. In other words, we're not really that alone.