when depression grabs a hold of me, watch the fuck out. i become a type of maniac that wants to destroy everything and everyone around me. i want you all to feel what i feel. to understand how it hurts just to be sometimes. to feel theres nothing left. i know what i do, how i act, and why i am where i am today. that is not the problem. the problem is i cant fix it. the problem is i cant find the motivation to change it. i cant deal with all the negative thoughts my brain produce so i make up stories to seem normal. i dont sleep because i cant bare to.
when mania cycles through my body jump on board. why not, everyone does. i become the person you all have come to love. the life of the party. the center of attention. your shopping buddy, drinking buddy, or even a "good" friend. i know where my life is headed. i have all of these ridiculous get rich ideas, get famous plans and even (dare i say it) goals. My thoughts race too quickly sometimes i cant catch up so i tell stories that dont exist. i dont sleep because i have so many other things to do...to create...to write...to many thoughts racing through my mind.
i wish i had a happy medium. tell me where to find it.