Monday, June 1, 2009

a hold...


when depression grabs a hold of me, watch the fuck out. i become a type of maniac that wants to destroy everything and everyone around me. i want you all to feel what i feel. to understand how it hurts just to be sometimes. to feel theres nothing left. i know what i do, how i act, and why i am where i am today. that is not the problem. the problem is i cant fix it. the problem is i cant find the motivation to change it.  i cant deal with all the negative thoughts my brain produce so i make up stories to seem normal. i dont sleep because i cant bare to.

when mania cycles through my body jump on board. why not, everyone does. i become the person you all have come to love. the life of the party. the center of attention. your shopping buddy, drinking buddy, or even a "good" friend. i know where my life is headed. i have all of these ridiculous get rich ideas, get famous plans and even (dare i say it) goals. My thoughts race too quickly sometimes i cant catch up so i tell stories that dont exist. i dont sleep because i have so many other things to do...to create...to write...to many thoughts racing through my mind.

i wish i had a happy medium. tell me where to find it.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

work run climb find a source of pride become a source of pride work harder stop. control control control. how? stop. look around you. what can you control?...then grab that shit by the horns and ride that mother fucker out. finish your 8 get off and find another beast to conquer. there will always be another beast. some people define others by how they ride their bulls, not the size. that was not a sexual metaphor. ok lost track....

Elle Vee said...

who is this?