Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Success finally

He and I were something. I couldn't even begin to try and explain what we were but we were. I found a letter i wrote to him in my room two days ago. It was hidden under something it doesn't matter what. It is not dated so i can not imagine from when this was in the 2 years we shared together. But let me share...
"I'm addicted to you, us. This addiction-controlling me, wanting more, needing at least the thought of you. You, my addiction-consuming me. I love it. I need it, you as my drug. You stuck on my mind constantly. Your scent lingers on me, my clothes, my heart, my everything. Its there reminding me of what I've just had, just experienced. Your smile, those lips representing perfection captured in a smile. It haunts me. Leaving me to only yearn for more of this hypnotizing high you give. Your hands forever pleasing, feverishly infecting my body. My skin aches for your hands, that touch. My heart races when your near. It seems to beat for you, again just the thought of you. My eyes forever looking, hoping you'd come into sight. To live without you would be to live without pleasure. Your my addiction turned lifestyle."

We broke up last November, shit almost a year ago. This destroyed me. He left me weak. Dazed. Delirious. Confused by the unexpected break up. At first i did everything in my power to get him back. No success. I then accepted it. I wasn't over it but i accepted it. It hurt to look at him. It physically hurt to hear his voice. I ached for the love i had lost. I then wanted to hurt him so badly. Make him feel a fraction of what he made me feel. I wanted to destroy him as he did me. I succeeded. I wish i didn't but i did. I lied my way through the destruction of his heart. It was rough, he cursed me, he hated me, he wished bad on me. I expected this all. I hurt again not from him but for what i did to him. The end of the summer was better. We became friends after all. Yes ex-lovers are now friends. We stuck through all the bullshit and came out on top. I now share with him everything from the dates i go on or the men i meet to the drunken night i have had with friends. We tell each other our secrets, our desires, our fears, our friendship. Not sure but it seems like we have succeeded but this time together. This time as friends.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If it works out then it works out just be careful, your playing a dangerous game.