Thursday, May 22, 2008

rules of dining

FOR THE BAR:
If you want to drink at my bar please follow these simple rules...
-please do not sit down and immediately expect me to come running over to you. you are not the only person in the bar.
-dont tell me your ready to order and while im there frantically search the drink menu to find a drink...you said you were ready! I have other guests, time is money.
-i will be sure to get you another round but dont slam your empty glass on the bar yelling out for one. that will get you no where.
-dont ASK for a free drink that will just ensure you wont get one.
-please dont tell me you will "hook me up", people that say so...dont.
-dont be mad at me like its my fault the bar doesnt carry some scummy beer you love then tip me poorly because of it....i dont stock or order for the bar i just tend there.
-if your spending 6-8 bucks for a drink throughout the night...dont suddenly get cheap when its time to tip.
-holy shit...please dont complain the drink is weak. fyi your at a corporate restaurant your lucky theres any alcohol in it at all.
-last call means last call. it doesnt mean order 4 beers to follow the full one in front of you. i have a life too....id like to go home at a decent hour....keep your 2 dollar tip and go home.

FOR THE RESTAURANT:
-Let me introduce myself before you open your mouth...i like to be called by my name which by the way isnt "hello", "hey hey", "miss", "excuse me", or the "fuck you im just gonna wave you down" name.
-dont touch me, grab me, tug at my apron or shirt...i dont touch you dont fucking touch me!!
-if i am at another table taking care of another guest-dont yell out for me or interupt. seriously.
-staring at me wont make your food cook faster.
-dont come in and tell me you have a half hour to make a movie then order ribs or a steak be freaking for real.
-1 coupon per table. how hard is this to understand.
-gratuity on parties of 8 or more is a safety net for us servers, deal with it.
-if i ask you if you need anything...spit it out ALL AT ONCE. dont run me.
-chances are if you see i have 7 tables and im tending bar- im busy, just remember that.
-we make 2 dollars an hour. learn how to tip.
-for gods sake....dont walk in at 10 to close and stay for 2 hours. just dont.

please feel free to add your own...

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

- Don't tell me how thirsty you are and order a fucking Guinness draft and then get pissed off that it's not ready immediately.
- It's custom to put fruit like lemons on the side of drinks like water and iced tea. If you don't want it, tell me BEFORE I bring it to the table.
- If I'm walking by you with my arms full of dirty dishes, don't start making demands.
- Don't sit down, order drinks, and bounce. That shit is fucking rude.
- Don't tell me "OMG I want the BIG drink!" and then complain about the size even when I clearly warned you how big it would be.
- Don't ask for alcohol to go. Use your head.
- Don't drop shit all over the floor. Be neat.
- Do NOT call me "honey", "sweetie", "hon", or anything like that. I'm not your girlfriend.
- If you want me to do something for you, add the words "please" and "thank you" to your vocabulary. I'm not your slave.
- Don't ask me what I'm doing after my shift. I'm not interested in you.
- It's not my fault there's only one vegetarian menu available for the entire restaurant. Calm the fuck down.
- If you're a bitch, I'm going to flirt with your boyfriend or husband.

- DO take a shit in the bathroom and clog the toilet. More importantly, be sure to start yelling "IT WON'T GO DOWN" and hitting the stall.

~ Lisa

Lauren said...

haha oh shit!!!! that last one is a good tip....hahahahga

Anthony said...

Please know how to pronounce what you're ordering, Grand Mariner (Marn-yay), Korvoyser (it's KOR-VAH-SEE-AY), mehr-lo not mur-lot, etc.

Don't give me the fucking National Geographic Episode describing the drink you had in Key West 10 years ago that you have never been able to find since. Go back to Key West or Google the term, "drinks bartenders hate to make" I am sure you'll find it.

NO FROZEN DRINKS, EVER. In some states, it's legal to murder someone who orders mutliple frozen drinks when there is only one blender.

(This goes back to when I was single) If I am your bartender and am talking to a woman at the bar and she is not your girlfriend or wife, DO NOT COCK BLOCK ME. There are more ways to torture you and make you look stupid from my position than you will ever possibly imagine.

When you are the obnoxious drunk who keeps loudly pestering me asking me where you can get laid, 99.99999999% of the time, I am going to send you to a gay bar.

manners go a long way

do not fuck with my waitresses, they will kill you before I even get over the bar and if they don't, by the time me, the dooorman, and the assorted other people in the bar who are as annoyed with you as the staff are done with you, you'll wish they had.

Tip well. If you can't afford to tip, go by a bottle of everclear and stay the fuck at home.

Anonymous said...

OK I GOT SOME FROM THE MANAGEMENT SIDE DONT CALL ME TO THE FUCKING TABLE,AND SAY YOU DIDNT LIKE THE RIBS YOU FEEL THEY WERE OVER COOKED,WHEN IM LOOKING AT YOUR PLATE AND ITS JUST FUCKING BONES,OR DONT BRING IN SIX COUPONS WHEN THEY CLEARLY SAY NOT TO BE COMBINED WITH OTHER OFFERS,CALL ME OVER TO THE TABLE AGRUE WITH ME ABOUT IT AND SAY YOU WILL SIT AT DIFFERENT TABLES BUT WANT ONE BILL,NEXT DONT BITCH TO ME IF WE ARE ON A WAIT ON A WEEKEND NIGHT,YOUR NOT THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COME OUT ON THE WEEKEND,FINALLY DONT LIE TO MY FACE AND TELL ME YOUR FOOD HAS BEEN 2 HOURS LONG AND ITS ONLY BEEN 10 MINS CAUSE IM GONNA TELL YOU YOUR A FUCKING FOOL FOR WAITING THE FIRST HOUR LET ALONE THE SECOND FUCKING A RESTURANTS SUCK BUT I LOVE THEM

Kevin said...

OMG That is so funny yet so true! You should write a book - something like "from the other side of the bar" You're a riot!