a fellow free thinker?

in this disgusting journey we call life ive met a lot of people that swear against my style of thinking. everyone i come in contact with tell me..."It will all be ok."

tell me, "Everything will turn out great!"

i call bullshit.

in my days of sorrow and desperation i have found a fellow "free" thinker. i have found a man who also feels the same dreaded way i do. is it sad im excited to find a person that feels life is shitty just like i do. is it a bad thing that i feel some kind of normalcy for finding a person that feels life is too horrid and they want to give up like ive wanted to. i dont know. all i know is im not this pessimist out there alone. the word was created for people like me and i happened to stumble across another.

i asked him to join me on this harrowing experience i call a blog...he accepted.

maybe to spread his negativity across the lands of the internet. maybe to simply be heard.

his post is coming...shit. who knows i may have found a co-writer to this incredibly disappointing blog. stay tuned.

knocking...

bruised and beaten by years of harsh realities. im no longer letting the anger and negativity win. im fighting back. love is beating at the door of my being and i may let it creep in...let it consume me and my entirety. i think im ok with it this time. because this love...this time is pure.

i put out the welcome mat...im accepting visitors.

relentlessly

slowly its becoming clear that im nobody. look at me. where am i in my life. i want to find a meaning. i want to find something that can entertain me endlessly. i need to finally figure out where my life is going. do i go to school for this or that...take this shit job or that one. i just dont know. this "calling" everyone talks about i cant seem to find. fuck me if i find it cause i dont have the funds to school myself in it anyway. i dont have the time to do so either. fuck it.

editing...and repeat.

for the past lifetime i have been writing and rewriting a book. its a disgusting process. i start new every couple months and it has ended up being more of a burden than anything else.

in writing this book im revisiting my past and its not doing me so well. it feels as if i am slipping back into it. slowly deteriorating my own sanity. im scared and clawing my way back to reality but with no success. i write another page and it sucks me painfully in. again.

reliving my tragic history sentence after sentence. memory after memory. it physically hurts my being. i can cry to let it out. i can scream to feel sane. but what is it worth in the end. the book has to be finished. the story must be told.

in the moment...

softly he repeats...where have you been?

it flows through my hollow body

and he speaks

as if he had been forever searching for me. he smiles and looks into my eyes as if he can see my pain, my past...straight into my heart and being. he knows who i am without me saying a word.

patiently living life without my love he acts as if he has been awaiting my arrival. complete fulfillment has rushed into my body...where has he been? it doesnt matter...we are here together now.

Welcome to Hell. Population: Earth

what have we done to each other? we have created the world around us and cant stand living in it. we complain about everything and do absolutely nothing about it. although i know im going to fail miserably at everything i at least try it the fuck out. i at least tell the truth to people in hopes for them to have some kind of self-realization of how much they suck. you fuckers need to realize what impact you have on others. you idiots need to realize who the fuck you are and deal with it. you jerks need to be a god damn friend when a god damn friend needs you. you need to butt the fuck out when its none of your god damn business. you need to throw a coin in a cup cause you have plenty in your fucking pocket. you need to pick one thing and fight for it but damn you need to stick with it. you need to stop watching tv news cause these subliminal political views will rot your brain. you need to drink more cause the world looks prettier that way. most of all we all need to stop being so god damn selfish.

maybe, right?

what if you become so overwhelming into someone but have no outlet. you know what im saying? like you want this person to know exactly how you feel but there are no words or even the balls to do so. i fill his mind with my random thoughts and im shocked he doesnt think im nuts. i speak to him about him but i dont think he gets it. does he get it? am i letting myself fall way to fast? but what the fuck is time but man made. so who is to put a time on how you feel. fuck that guy. why do i have to follow some kind of norm in love when i dont follow it in any other aspect of life. seriously fuck that guy who made these so called rules of love that we have to follow. damn.

shadow of an illusion...

with the sun setting in my bones it fills my body with a hint of perfection. quickly i embrace it before the desperation of my negativity kicks in. i dont want to get sucked in by my own thoughts that my brain teases me with. the tragic reality in my dreams knocks at the door of my being.

please stay light outside...

for my mind to stop wandering into its own destruction. for this smile to be boundless and the brilliance in my eyes infinite. so that maybe this illusion can hold on a bit longer. so continuous warmth breaths through my body.

please stay light outside...

give me a chance to live.

destiny.

as hard as i try it still colors my life fully. this pessimism clings to me even if things are going well. i shake, scratch, scream with no luck of losing it. i smile with hope glimmering in my eyes and negative realization in my mind. its as if i can predict the horrid future. i know whats to come. this isnt living. the cruel past deliberately seeps into my pores a little too casually. it haunts me...constantly reminding. i live every day unable to forget and maybe thats why my outlook on life is shit. maybe thats why i am alone and somehow destined to be.

waiting...

for that scent in the air. the one that gives me goosebumps. the one that helps my lips to part into a smile. i am waiting...preparing for when that time comes. bugs tickle my insides and my eyes widen to the thought of it. its been a long winter and my fingers yearn for that sandy dirt between them. the air has been too cold...too bitter. waiting for the hot sun to awaken my skin. to burn into me leaving behind proof of being there. i cant wait to step foot onto the field again.